Sunday, March 21, 2004
Mail-Order Mysticism
My father, who is the pastor at Our Saviour's Lutheran in Council Bluffs, had made some joke about having to cleanse and bless one of the rooms in the church for whatever reason. I think he Googled "blessing an office" and came up with Rowe-Staley's "Services Offered" catalog, where you can order, among other things, a blessing of an office space to cleanse it of the filthy residual energies left by the former occupant, or perhaps by whatever pent-up stress that your skull fails to contain. I do understand the psychological effect a space--and its design and cleanliness--can have, but this seems patently ridiculous.
Perhaps I assert my skepticism too quickly. As it says in her biography, Rowe-Staley is an ordained minister in the Universal Brotherhood, and has been a big player, it seems, in the Dade County Women's Chamber of Commerce. So maybe I jumped the gun on this; I do honestly respect a successful businesswoman. And my appreciation of a religious authority knows no boundaries.
So I checked out this Universal Brotherhood, because, you know, religions interest me. They're really quite flexible in who they are and what they believe; it seems like I can pretty much believe anything I want and be a member, because they aren't really big on doctrine in the Universal Brotherhood. Even better, I learned on their FAQ page that anyone can be ordained in their order, as long as they are willing to affirm the following pledge:
"I HEREBY DEDICATE MY LIFE TO THE BROTHERHOOD OF MANKIND."
Simple enough. Maybe I'll just swing by their store and add ordination to my shopping cart; heck, I spent two years in seminary and just got a master's; I have plenty of friends who are spending four years to get their MDiv, just so they can go stand up in a robe at some funerals and hitch some people. I wonder if they know about this gig--$75 bucks and I'm going to be out there marrying and burying 'em.
But wait--didn't I get this forward not too long ago in the junk mail? The one where I send them some money and they make me a minister? And didn't I learn from Bug-Eyed Earl that God would kill me if I abused the privileges of the mail-order ordination certificate?
You and I know that's just not my plan. Maybe I can get on the women's chamber of commerce if I get ordained. But I am a little surprised a self-respecting, forward-minded shaman like Rowe-Staley could agree to be ordained in a...erm...corporation like the Universal Brotherhood; has the God/Goddess stopped clueing people off to the incredibly insensitive lack of gender-neutral language in their dedication to the "brotherhood of mankind?" Skip them. I'm digging out that spam.
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